A case of the fuzzies
Posted by Zeb in Random on Mar 23rd, 2010 | 16 commentsIts weird, for the last 5 years, my life has been full of highs, and regardless of the lows that did happen I’ve always felt happy. There have been moments of despair (losing my job, struggling to find a job) but always, always I kept in control. Kept focused. Never lost track of who I was and the things I loved.
When I woke up yesterday morning with a splitting migraine and yet still worrying about so many things, I knew something was very wrong.
I am not happy. I am not satisfied. Nothing brings me joy anymore. I am so behind in many things, and I have not enjoyed my hobbies in months. My health has gone down the shit hole. When I tried to compartmentalise and chunk down all my problems into manageable pieces… my brain just fuzzed up and blitzed… oh yeah, I’m stressed and depressed baby!
Part of my problem is that I’ve been coming home feeling tierd and stressed out from work, and then going straight into studying. The emails from a friend that I used to receive, that were the one thing that broke the tedium were gone too. Felt like I was just spiralling in one big un-controllable circle with no end in sight.
So I decided to postpone my studies. Its frustrating because I was enjoying the psychology paper. Felt on top of it until I suddenly wasn’t… and knowing I was falling behind no matter how hard I tried was making me feel guilty/distressed. Withdrew from the course with no academic penalty (whew) and am going to give it another go when I have my health in control and my head in a better space re: work and emotions.
I am very sorry to Carol & Jayne from Hooked on Exchanging who I know are waiting for a LHN exchange from me.
Sorry to Becki for not being able to attend your wedding and personally hand you the gift I made for you.
Sorry too am I to friends who’ve tried to get in touch, to hang out with me, that I’ve literally ignored.
I am trying to pull myself out of this, so please, give me time.
p.s. I let myself get too involved emotionally, more so than I realised, and now it’s coming to back to bite me. I don’t ever want to feel this way again.
16 Responses to “ “A case of the fuzzies”
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Ach, I wanted to start trying to give advice, but you obviously don’t need it … sounds like you did the right thing, though – I’ve learnt to keep my own work/study balanced with playtime (for artsesss heh heh).
…also a bit uneasy about suddenly finding myself back in fulltime study O_o
How did you leanring-to-draw plans go? Still on the ‘one day’ list?
I usually tell people to go draw something, but then I remember I always draw and that’s probably terrible advice XD
LOL they never even started. On stating my interest I got the job and it went out the window. I still want to, but right now, just need to get everything else sorted.
Fuck I feel so pathetic for even being in this situation, but I of all people know I’m not perfect. Just need to pull myself out.
If you were perfect, I wouldn’t talk to you XD
Perfect people are boring.
Agreed… although, in my weaker moments, I think it would just be easier to fit society’s ideals.
*huuuugs* I can totally understand how everything can just build up and up and up until suddenly you realise that it’s tumbling on top of you. It’s hard, and it’s made harder because we’re all so conditioned to not take breaks, not ask for help, not adjust your life to give you a chance to recover.
I’m so proud of you for being able to take a step back from something to try to help things
Also, you mean a lot to me, so I’ll definitely give you any time you need
(Plus, aaaw, thankyou *hugs*)
Yeah… and the sad part is I still feel bad at not being able to cope. Feel stupid and pathetic. I know why I am feeling this way too, just need to get over that particular hang up.
*hugs* thanks luv
{hugs} I’ve been thinking of you and hoping you were okay. So glad to see that you’re making some time and space for yourself. Hang in there!
Hehe trying to. Miss reading your blog and seeing what pretties you’ve made, but just looking at my rss reader scares me, over 500 blog posts to catch up on!
*hugs* thankyou.
*hugs* I know how hard it can be to admit to yourself that you’re not coping so well, but please be gentle on yourself about it! If I could offer one piece of advice it would be that when you feel like this, you need to pick your battles: I know it feels like you’re piking on people or copping out of stuff you’ve committed to, but you need to focus your energies on what you can achieve, one baby step at a time. You’re not alone in this, and if there is anything I can do to help, maybe being an objective listener, please just let me know.
It was only yesterday I read this column by Jane Yee, and I found it really helpful.
Thinking of you!
Problem with picking my battles is that everything else won’t go away, just because I decide to choose to fight only some… hell one is constantly with me. Always there when I wake up and always in those final thoughts when I fall asleep (admittedly though, I use this to just drown out all the other thoughts in my head… unhealthy I know, because I need to get him out of my head, but, yeah…)
Thankyou for that article btw… this scared me, cause when I read it I thought, “Yup, me too.”
It’s definitely hard at times to keep the work-life balance at a point we’re happy with. Especially when the lines blur between the two. Sounds like you’re on top of it to me though. I mean it’s one of those things where simply recognising and accepting it is half the battle.
Do take care, and I hope you get some relief from the problems; health ones especially. *hugs*
Half the battle? LOL I think its like 1/6th, because recognising it, doesn’t mean the balance will get any better. XD
Health ones, god, I’m trying. Its awful looking at my face in the mirrow and seeing it slip back into what it used to be.
Hang in there kiddo – I’ve been nodding my head all the way through reading your post, as I’ve been there myself … the key thing is not to feel guilty about letting people down, ‘cos sometimes you need to take the time for “you” – your friends will understand that and still be there for you at the end of it all. {{{hugs}}}
*HUGS* thanks.
I can’t stress enough that I’m a firm believer that when it comes to how we choose to live our lives, unless it’s something really illegal or harmful to other people, we have the final say on how we want to be. For that I don’t think I’ll ever have the right to tell you to not to change, but if you think you need to change to because that what other people wanted, I can tell you right now that I think you are wonderful the way you are. Many commenters also said that, too. I don’t really know if you believe us, but remember that if we don’t, we really wouldn’t be replying to start with.
Having had some pretty crippling depression in the past, I can’t stress enough that if you think it *might* be a problem, it’s worth looking into. Admittedly in my case it wasn’t so much a case of can’t find any joy in anything anymore, it sounded very much like what happened with one of my best friends though. Incredibly smart, incredibly competent person, just had her in this state for several months before it went away.
You are also someone who I look up to a lot, and I don’t think you give yourself anywhere near as much credit as you should be. You have kept an NZ Anime/manga archive going for so long, long before the Wiki era, even if you have decided that it is no longer what you want to put your energy in, it is an incredible statement on how much will power you have and even if many of us lurkers don’t actively seek out to say our thanks, we really are appreciative.
Also, I agree with other people that it’s worth while to drop the things that are a little too much for you right now. Interesting course it might be, your health and sanity wins over every single time.
Good luck!
Hugs